The Trouble With Aquaman

Both at the Aquaman Shrine and Newsarama I read the following about DC big dog Dan DiDio...

"Asked about Aquaman, DiDio asked the fan back who is Aquaman now, to which the fan answered, 'I'm not sure right now.'

DiDio took a poll of the audience to see which Aquaman was the crowd's favorite, which showed the audience to be split among the different versions. DiDio said that it's something they're trying to figure out--which Aquaman should be the Aquaman to bring back.

DiDio said that while the Jim Aparo version is most recognizable, the 'harpoon hand' version is also well recognized in the media. All in all, DiDio said, they're taking their time to bring Aquaman back."

So basically, one of the biggest decision makers at DC Comics doesn't even know who Aquaman is, much less what to do with him. It's actually a pretty common problem with the character, seeing as despite being one of the most recognizable super-heroes in the world, he's a constant bottom feeder in sales and the butt of many jokes. I like to think I could help, and offer the following advise...

Adventure Comics Weekly, written by me, and guaranteed better than "Countdown" (even if I had to draw it by myself.) Oh wait, that's an utter fantasy. Let me start again.

• Aquaman is not Batman. There are, to my knowledge, no such things as seabats. Yes, he did have an Aquacave at one time. Yes, he also had a kid sidekick. Yes, Aquaman's son was tragically murdered. This was all true, thirty years ago. Aquaman has been a brooding bore for nearly as long as I've been alive, and I just keep getting older. Let it go.
  
  
• There are people who know and like Aquaman with the harpoon hand. Some toys were made of that incarnation, and it figured into his appearances on "Justice League." However, those people represent a fraction of the public who know the classic Aquaman, so catering to the minority only alienates the majority. Also, that incarnation is associated with one of the worst video games ever, and in fact the cable channel G4 awards equally wretched fare a "Golden Mullet" in Aquaman's dishonor. This is what is commonly known as "negative association."
  
  
• To 95% of the people who have ever heard of Aquaman, he's the guy in orange and green who talks to fishies and rides giant seahorses. No amount of tough guy swagger, hair, or pointy objects will ever negate this fact. Also, his name is "Aquaman," which will never sound "edgy." Work with the character you've got, or else you're only undermining his strengths.
  
  
• People expect Aquaman to smile. He's blonde and handsome. Girls and certain guys should want him, while the rest of us should want to be him. The people I know who want to mope or grimace constantly, develop unfortunate grooming choices, and are attracted to impractical prosthetesis are neither my dear friends nor my heroes. They are the people I avoid as much as possible.
  
  
• It's okay for Aquaman to be funny. He doesn't have to be a joke, but his powers and surroundings are quirky, and it's okay to acknowledge that.
• Puns are not funny, especially fish puns with an aquatic character. Neither is referring to fat people "slim." It's obvious and irritating.
  
  
• Don't be ashamed of having adventures in or near water. "Pirates of the Carribean" and "The Little Mermaid" have earned billions off it. The ocean is a cool, scary, mysterious, fun place to be.
  
  
• If there's an attention-getting event or a major new super-team, maybe allow Aquaman a prominent role in there somewhere. He's famous, you know. Might be a mutually-beneficial arrangement.
  
  
• There does not have to be an ongoing series titled "Aquaman," especially by editorial decree. That leads to books by great names in comics talent, like Gary Cohn, Dan Mishkin, Paris Cullins, Neal Pozner, Robert Loren Fleming, Marty Egelund, Kirk Jarvinen, Yvel Guichet, and so on. Worse, it leads to "bold new directions" by actual names defaming themselves and the character, like Keith Giffen, Peter David, Erik Larsen, and Rick Veitch. The British have this wonderful notion of television where they stage a brief "season" whenever they have the talent and a story they feel is worth telling. This is preferrable to shoveling as much crap as possible to hit the magic 100 episodes for syndication.
  
  
• Regardless of how well the revisionist "Trials of Shazam" sells in the direct market (and it doesn't,) Jeff Smith's concurrent mini-series that remained true to the Captain Marvel character and his audience will sell longer and stronger in wider circulation. If creators like Mark Waid and Mike Wieringo approach you with the idea of a nice little one-shot with the first classic take on Aquaman in eons, you damned well ought to say, "yes.
  
  
• When you're constantly trying to reinvent a character, you're telling fandom you don't have confidence in your own property. When you tell a roomful of people you don't know what to do with Aquaman, or even who that character is, you devalue him in reader's eyes, and poor sales become a self-fulfilling prophesy. Under those circumstances, you have to wait for someone with a vision and understanding of the character to come along and make the property work. It seems based on track record and the guy's own interest Geoff Johns is that person. Next time the question comes up, answer "When Geoff's ready, he'll take care of Aquaman, and you will all be thrilled with the result." If Geoff is never ready, make a mental note of who the next best option is on the list, and insert their name until something comes to fruition.
  
  
• A.B.C. Dan: Always Be Closing. If you can't make the sale now, make sure that door remains open for later. Otherwise, Joe Quesada is just going to sell them more Marvel. The man who answers "I dunno" does not get the Glengarry leads.

Vixen's Origin (1985)

A fine character gets a very solid origin. I'm just glad that she's getting used regularly since her "Justice League Unlimited" appearances. Gina Torres was perfectly cast and helped by affection for Mari grow.

Click To Expand

Justice League of America #247 (2/86)

Martian Manhunter: Took his charges to their new headquarters, being the abandoned mountain headquarters of the original Justice League of America, and formerly the Injustice Gang (as Zatanna noted for a Martian who skipped the 70’s.) “For one of them, this is a graveyard of silent ghosts and buried memories.” The place was mighty dusty from disuse, but the usually reliable J’Onn J’Onzz had to assume his new duties as John Jones, P.I. instead.

Zatanna: Lit the original Justice League of America headquarters with her magic, then bailed on clean-up to investigate her roommate’s disappearance. Found that mound of dust that used to be her. Time to “muucav,” or does she have another excuse up her considerable sleeve?

Steel: Flipped a rrreally big lightswitch. Bailed on cleaning to wear 80’s too shorts and get propositioned at his gym job by a movie producer. With glasses, and a moustache, who likes gladiator movies, and has his arm across Hank’s shoulder. Go-go Gadget Prostate?

Vibe: Continued to defame Latin Americans by bowing out of cleaning to not find an apartment which he would not pay for with the job he doesn’t have. Almost killed a gym rat for ridiculing Paco’s wardrobe, which of course could have happened to anyone.

Sue Dibney: Westchester?

Elongated Man: The only super-hero shown actually cleaning up. Know your role, Ralph!

Vixen: Plotted to uncover the mystery that is Gypsy. Played with a possum. Animal senses detected a potentially malevolent something that later attacked her with black fire type stuff. Stuck with cleaning crew, but never actually shown cleaning, because DC’s race relations hole was deep enough already.

Gypsy: Really dug the dank old headquarters, which Vibe couldn’t stop belittling, so she called his a “pheasant.” Even Vibe knew she meant “peasant,” so she made him see an illusion of hell before he made her look any worse. Adopted rodents she found nesting in the once abandoned headquarters. Defeated a gelatinous, tentacled baby monster that had also taken up residence by being harsh with it.

Dale Gunn: Written out. Lucky.

Interlude: On the prison planet of Takron-Galtos, home of the galaxy’s most dangerous arch-criminals, a fuschia fiend in a blue hoodie murdered a guard. This dastardly desperado then stole a rifle, with which he gunned down two more alien guardsmen with one blast. He jacked a ship, and used his telepathy, limited as it was by prison-drugs, to learn the pattern of the laser defense to escape. “My followers wait to greet me on Kalanor. I shall not disappoint them.”

The Creators: You know that whole “balance between the mundane and the fantastic” thing? Conway’s mundane just cracked the table and the fantastic is wrapped around the scale’s arm like a playground swing after Saturday night. Luke McDonnell sells it to the best of his ability.

Most Embarrassing Vibe Quote of the Issue: So many to choose from this issue, but I’m going with "Any breakin’ I do is gonna be on a dance floor.

Justice League of America #246 (1/86)

Steel: Returned from his adventure at the end of time to learn grandpa had evicted him and his teammates from the Bunker. Slapped an armored Dale Gunn around before reaching his still bedridden kin. Commander Steel apologized for his great many wrongs, and explained his tossed the League out to get a fresh start elsewhere. Hugs. Said goodbye to Vibe's sister. Moved to New York. Got a job as a gym instructor.

Dale Gunn: Threw "fight" with Steel, but still stayed behind in Detroit to look after Hank Sr.

Vibe: Goodbye to family. Beat up rival gangs with powers one more time. Moved. Spilled chocolate shake on self as non-comic anti-relief. Jobless and essentially homeless.

Elongated Man & Sue Dibney: Stuck living in Westchester while housesitting for vacationing friends.

Zatanna: Flirted with Dale one last time. Chatted with J'Onn on the flight. Moved back into her sublet earlier, unaware of the ashen fate of her leasee.

Vixen: Explained on the flight to New York how her years of modeling were just a facade before realizing her true purpose through the Tantu Totem. Showed off her lavish apartment, and took in a roommate.

Gypsy: Talked Vixen into letting her move in.

Martian Manhunter: This being a Conway tale, even the heart & soul of the JLA questioned the League's future after leaving the Bunker and relocating to New York. Showed his sense of humor by boarding his team on a commercial flight in full costume. Chatted with Zee...
"I was not aware you gave credence to dreams, Zatanna."
"Mystics live part of their lives in dreams, J'Onn. The dreamworld is a pathway to past and future."
"On Mars we had few mystics. We put our faith in science... a faith that was our undoing, in the end."

Later explained to his charges that jobs were now in order. "When I first came to Earth years ago, I took a job as a police detective in Metropolis. With my Martian powers, I was quite successful. It is a small matter to recreate the credentials I used then..." Perhaps, but the elapsed time made "John Jones" retirement age, so that he was forced to take up with Burt Biloxi's Special Investigations, a low rent operation.

The Creators: The aforementioned Conway shot past character development into full-bore British soap opera tedium. Luke McDonnell sells the "realism" in a way Chuck Patton couldn't possibly. Bill Wray should have continued inking him for the rest of his career.

Most Embarrassing Vibe Quote of the Issue: "Hank... mi hermano... you feelin' all right? Your abuelo, he didn't jump on you?"

Who's Who Vol.V: The Cadre (7/85)

This is (if I recall correctly) the only super-team created specifically for the Detroit-Era Justice League. While most of the Cadre belong in that dark place where truly wretched characters go to die, I kind of like Overmaster, and even more, the walking cliche that is Shatterfist. The dude punched a crowbar-- in half! This guy would have Powned Chuck Norris' Karate Kommandos. Word.

Conquest '07: Huntress vs. Black Canary & Co.

I discovered Patti Page's 1952 hit "Conquest" in a collection last year, and wanted to share it, but I couldn't find an actual video. The line about "the huntress" also ate at the comic geek in me, so I finally caved and decided to make my first fan video(s.) I've liked the Huntress since the first time I read her as a back-up in an issue of Wonder Woman, and in focusing on her I ended up with a ton of great spotlight material of her kicking tail. It didn't work with the Page music, so I set this to the White Stripes cover off their new album, Icky Thump. Also featured are most of the female JLAers and some fellows: Black Canary, Green Arrow, Hawkgirl, the Question, Vixen, Wonder Woman and Superman, plus the villains Roulette and Dr. Moon. Hope ya'll enjoy it. This is a non-profit fan production that is in no way intended to infringe on the various copyright holders for video, characters, and music. Please don't hurt me Warner Brothers/DC Comics!

Crisis On Infinite Earths #8-12 (11/85-3/86)

In #8, Vixen found T.O. Morrow, builder of the Red Tornado, and carted him up to the formerly abandoned JLA satellite. Already aboard were Manhunter, Firestorm, and the flaming heroine Firehawk. The trio had some interesting conversations...
Firestorm: "You ever get cold in that getup, J'Onn J'Onzz?"
MM:"We Martians do not get cold. Why do you ask?"
FS:"Sheesh! Mars doesn't need women. What they need is a sense of humor!"

MM:"Firehawk...your flame may prove a problem." Firehawk:"Don't worry--When I want to, my fire's more bark than bite."
MM:"Still, I prefer some distance between us."

Morrow was pressed into attempting a repair job on Red Tornado's broken body, which proved to be booby-trapped. Much of the JLA satellite was destroyed (again), Firehawk lost her costume, and Firestorm had to pull the unconscious Manhunter to safety. Perhaps in retaliation for J'Onn's comments, Firehawk chose to create a new costume and show it off before helping the Martian. Even the usually laid back Firestorm says, "...This is hardly the time for a fashion show."

In Crisis #9 (12/85,) Brainiac and Lex Luthor gathered one of the largest collectives of villainy in history to conquer multiple Earths that had survived the Anti-Monitor and become linked. Their nefarious intentions made, our world’s heroes and scientists (including a surprisingly noteworthy Dale Gunn) worked to access and retake the lost Earths. Again surrendering any leadership credentials, the Manhunter allowed his charges to scatter amongst other super-heroes without his guidance. Steel was nearly fried by Plasmus on the Fawcett world Earth-S, but Vibe shook the ice off the world of Shazam to cast Plasmus into frigid waters. However, when Steel’s interest turned to another member of the Brotherhood of Evil, Warp, he was teleported to parts then unknown. Aquaman and Mera were also present in joining his former teammates in a not unexpected defeat. Gypsy fared better alongside heroes campaigning for Quality Comics’ Earth-X, backhanding classic League foe Kanjar Ro. Steel turned up in Justice League of America #245 (also 12/85) in the year 1,000,000,000 A.D. on a ravaged Earth. There he defended the aged Lord of Time from six of his own clones, before getting his mack on with Olanda, the Lord’s purple-haired clone “daughter.” For all we know, he sired offspring before returning to the present.

Manhunter resurfaced in Crisis #10 (Jan.'86,) having discovered a large central collection of the evil-doers (including Despero!) "No, Hector Hammond, nothing can help you now. I am tired of you humans! Tired of your evil! Tired of your lust for power!" The furious Manhunter, eyes ablaze with Martian Vision blasts, commanded "Surrender to us now. Let us return order and justice to this Earth!" It goes without saying that J'Onzz, Platinum, and The Atom taught the creeps a little something about opportunism. Sometimes in the midst of all this, the Detroit League sans Steel regrouped at the Bunker to check on Commander Steel, filled with regret over his actions and the fate of his still-missing grandson. Manhunter chastised, “Haven’t you done him harm enough? ...We can only hope that he finds us. Assuming he’s still alive.” Back in the midst of Crisis, the Anti-Monitor returned, and Manhunter joined with the most powerful collection of heroes ever before seen in an attempt to stop him. They failed. "And, from the dawn of creation...comes death...It is the end of all that was."

The History of the DC Universe had been rewritten, and all alternate Earths merged into one reality. Now, there had only ever been one Batman, and he began his war on crime just a few years prior to the Crisis. Supergirl and Wonder Woman never existed. The Justice Society members were the first ever super-heroes, protecting the Earth from World War II until a congressional committee helped bring their careers to an end in the 1950's. There was still a heroine called The Huntress, but Bruce Wayne and Selina Kyle never married, so her entire life and parentage had changed. J'Onn J'Onzz joined with the rest of Earth's heroes to destroy the Anti-Monitor, saving the last existing reality from destruction in Crisis on Infinite Earths #12 (Mar.'86). It would be another two years before we would learn just how much the Crisis changed the history of Mars, and The Manhunter himself.

Justice League of America Annual #3 (1985)

Taking an even worse beating than the Justice League was their old satellite. Besides being ravaged by Martians in the previous year, it was supposedly destroyed again during the Crisis, then here it was blown up by an overloaded Red Tornado and fell out of orbit. Good thing the team had vacated the property after the very first attack. Satellite pieces began falling into Earth's atmosphere, which was especially strange since the intact ruins of the satellite would soon pop up in yet another JLofA story featuring Despero. But hey, let's not get sidetracked by too may writers taking out their aggression on a defenseless piece of orbiting architecture. In the annual, Firestorm, Black Canary, and Green Arrow teamed up to stop the debris from destroying property in Detroit. They were soon joined by Superman, Batman and the Outsiders without fanfare or introductions. Red Tornado's consciousness popped up in electric machinery, which he used to contact his girlfriend, Kathy Sutton. Various weather catastrophes engineered by Reddy, or more likely the Tornado Tyrant, afforded him the energy necessary to re manifest in non-robotic form. The new Tornado wanted to use his Crisis augmented power to restart life on Earth from a clean slate, its old inhabitants be damned. “Perhaps his madness stems from his mind’s separation from the android brain that housed it!” Manhunter’s notion failed to impress, and even Kathy's plea for peace failed, but betrayal on her part did cause the Red Tornado to discontinue his attacks. Feeling totally alone in the world, R.T. disappeared from the comics scene for several years...his place in the League taken by the Manhunter from Mars.

Martian Manhunter: “My Martian Vision confirms our worst fears! That is the JLA satellite... and it is heading this way! How could this have happened?” Manhunter swooped down to pick up Steel and Vibe to carry into the fray. “Come, my friends, there is work for us to do!” Reached maximum flight speed to deflect through personal impact the largest burning mass of debris before the flames wiped out his powers. “The Martian Manhunter! He was willing to sacrifice himself to deflect that huge chunk... but it wasn’t good enough!” He missed his aim by a shade, but Firestorm recovered the ball prior to rebound. When Green Arrow and Vibe began playing rough, J’Onn chastised, “Paco! Oliver!” I imagine he had the same tone a years later when he’d scold, “Guy! Booster!” Firestorm, the “original hothead,” spoiled his one chance to play peacemaker when he got in Steel’s face for calling the missing Red Tornado “the robot guy?” Manhunter physically came between the two, explaining, “Hold, Firestorm! I’m certain no offense was meant! Steel is simply uninformed!” Um, who was offending whom again? As for Reddy, a scan of the area with Martian Vision revealed tiny bits that, “my friends-- is all that remains of him!” Later flew Steel to a dam the Detroit Leaguers fought to save. Deduced that lightning was striking a bit too precisely, and followed the bolts to their orbiting satellite origin. Teamed with the arriving Superman to overwhelm the satellite’s force field with their combined might. The twin titans then departed to tackle more of these satellites solo. Later, when the Red Tornado Tyrant was briefly frozen, Manhunter managed to contain him with his malleable form.

Vibe: Began throwing shade toward Black Canary and Green Arrow on sight. Punched and generally manhandled by Ollie Queen. Freed workers trapped at a hydroelectric plant. Blasted Red Tornado repeatedly.

Steel: Punched random bits of flying debris, which y’know, doesn’t make it stop being random bits of flying debris or anything. Somehow caught a dead falling Manhunter after his collision with the fiery mass, using the same fantastic speed and accuracy that allowed him to punch random bits of flying debris. Held together a collapsing dam. Manhunter thought, “Hank possesses a strong spirit! It’s probably never occurred to him to doubt that he will succeed...”

Vixen: Used the power of eels to absorb rampant electric while helping shut down the power plant.

Zatanna: Paired off with Ralph to investigate rogue weather controlling satellites S.T.A.R. Labs had launched and lost mastery of. Was then set upon by same.

Elongated Man: Ralph shouldn’t have hit the red button, as his attempt to cause the weather satellites to auto destruct just alerted them to his location. Held Kathy Sutton as she shed tears over her betrayal.

Gypsy: Ran around the power plant barefoot. Caught in a blast by Red Tornado. Went incongruously Mr. Wizard on us with, “Stopped the airflow, Zatanna? The cycle of heat exchange from the equator to the poles? But that would cause all the high- and low-pressure systems to just deepen... to keep building up without an outlet!” Did she study really hard for a science test right before running away, or was there more to that “drabardi” business that Englehart was selling?

Dale Gunn: Brushed off his lab coat, but failed to put Red Tornado back together again. Guided Vixen in shutting down power plant. Studied spacial warps and red skies tied into the Crisis on Infinite Earths.

Sue Dibney: Fretted over her husband while buying groceries for the Bunker, concerned for his safety after the death of Supergirl and the seeming demise of Red Tornado.

The Creators: Rick Hoberg always had a bit of early Starlin in his Bronze Age melange, while Mike Gustovich’s classicist style recalled elements of later Starlin, yet the end product was more of the Neal Adams school. Pretty nonetheless. The story by Dan Mishkin was somewhat shy of enthralling, but pleasant enough, and the mingling of Satellite and Detroit Leagues was intriguing, not to mention mildly meta.

J’Onn J’Onzz’s Nicknames of the Issue: “JJ” – Firestorm
“Greenie.” – Vibe.
“Green Guy.” – Vibe.

Most Embarrassing Vibe Quote of the Issue: “Maybe if you old dudes took better care of your space junk... we wouldn’a had to mop up after you at all!”

Justice League of America # 244 (11/85)

Dale Gunn: Piloted a borrowed NASA space shuttle 22,300 miles above the Earth.

Sue Dibney: Called shotgun.

Vixen: Marginally more useful than Sue Dibney.

Elongated Man: Acted as a ladder in a telescoping spacesuit to allow the Detroit Leaguers access from their space shuttle to the remains the JLA Satellite. Tried to explain the Multiverse to a disbelieving Paco.

Vibe: Talked jive. Blinded. Tried to talk more smack to Infinity Inc., but told by Zatanna, “Choke it down, Vibe. Choke it down.”

Gypsy: Coddled Vibe, who’d beem inadvertently blinded. “Zatanna, what did you do? Haven’t you done enough?”

Zatanna: Channelled sunlight into the Satellite’s storage cells, providing power enough for a year, and presumably drawing the eventual attention of Red Tornado. Healed Vibe and defended Detroit against baseball-sized hail.

Steel: Abandoned by Manhunter when the Alien saved the rest of the team. Tortured by his grandfather and Mekanique to make him “strong, as I was strong.” That pair also turned on the Infinitors, who were themselves rescued. Steel Junior upon release beat his grandfather into a short coma, eyes filled with tears.

Martian Manhunter: As Gypsy chided the deluded Vibe, who was calling for a rematch with infinity Incorporated, J’Onzz stated, “Your opinion is noted, Vibe. However, as current leader of the League, I must trust my own judgement.” He later said of his birthplace, "Perhaps if we had "freaked" when there was a fight, my young friend, Mars might still be a living planet...instead of a barren wasteland. You must learn to choose your battles wisely--as have I, at great cost." Employed the reinvigorated satellite’s capabilities to travel to Earth-2. He then led the Justice Society of America against the rogue hero they’d believed dead and his mechanical assistant, a foe they’d anachronistically faced decades previously. Just as that matter was resolving, “The ears of my people evolved from the thin air of Mars. I... hear something, despite the layers of soundproofing that protect the Bunker... a storm... and human cries...”

The Creators: Gerry Conway sent Commander Steel well past the point of redemption, though there would be some equivocation to come. Joe Staton continued what was becoming a tradition of having entirely inappropriate artists stiffly render a team of supposedly cool young heroes.

Most Embarrassing Vibe Quote of the Issue: “You think jus’ ‘cause I’m a kid from el barrio, I don’t know spit?”

Infinity Inc. #19 (10/85)

After his terrible first outing as team leader against Amazo (nevermind the rampant deaths and his general impotence in the JLA Classified retcon “A Game of Chance,”) J’Onn J’Onzz and his team sorely needed to save face. This was not to be, as Hank Heywood Sr. had journeyed to his former home Earth-2 with the aid of the mysterious Mekanique to deceitfully enlist the services of Infinity Incorporated against his squatters at the Bunker. Before the League could explain away the original Commander Steel’s manufactured rational for conflict, the senior Heywod launched an offensive, dragging the offspring of the Justice Society of America into the thick of it. While it was clear the Detroit kids were pulling their punches, they were still punked in fast and furious fashion, proving once and for all they could in no way lay claim to being true to the legacy of the Justice League of America.

Steel: Tried to make peace in the midst of his grandfather’s spurious accusations, only to be sent flying by an unwarranted blow from Commander Steel. Well okay, Jr. did toss grandpa out a window in a previous appearance, but getting jabbed in the throat with an elbow more than evened that score. Finally downed by a girder to the face, the last Leaguer previously standing before being rescued by the Martian Manhunter.

Zatanna: Knocked out cold when Steel Jr. slammed backwards into her. Victim of a gratuitous heiny shot that is doubly offensive for its lack of arousing quality. Happenstance doomed Detroit League with her handicap.

Elongated Man: Thought Vibe’s breakin’ skillz were “terrific!” Busted a lame gag, then quizzed, “Aw, where’s that famous Martian sense of humor, J.J.?” Confronted accusers (and copped a feel off Zatanna’s tush,) demanding, “That’s enough from you and your teenage gang, Heywood!” Trussed the Fury with his durable elastic form, before being rendered comatose when the daughter of the Earth-2 Wonder Woman landed from a considerable leap skyward.

Vixen: Tried to tear a chunk out of Silver Scarab, son of the Earth-2 Hawkman, before falling to his energy blast while distracted.

Gypsy: Punched the Fury in the back of the head while invisible, but detected by Northwind and left dangling off the side of a building.

Vibe: Break-danced. Dealt both Green Lantern’s daughter and Northwind respectable blows before Jade recovered to pound him.

Martian Manhunter: When asked by Zee what he thought of Vibe’s busting a move, “Such antics are not to my tastes, Zatanna...” After their home invasion, Jade was shocked to find, “Huh? My God-- a green man!” Manter deadpanned, “You should talk, young lady!” There’s that famous Martian humor, Ralph. Once Commander Steel’s abuse turned from verbal to physical, Manhunter tried to intervene, but was blasted backward by Mekanique. He was then throttled by Nuklon, loose kin to the Golden Age Atom, who proved his command of variable density was at this time better than a Martian’s. Only stunned (as should be modern readers at this travesty,) Mekanique recognized the danger still posed by “the Alien,” and presented him with, “FIRE! My only-- nemesis--!” Sorry, Professor Hugo. “As for J’onn J’onzz, he has powers besides mere flight and super-speed. Powers to be carefully husbanded in adversity. And one of them-- is Martian Lungpower! The unconscious JLAers are blown away from the scene of their ignominious defeat-- as if they were but straws in a tornado. And a truly invisible Martian will soon join them-- so that they may fight another day.”

The Creators: Since Gerry Conway and Alan Gold were credited as consultants, one assumes the gave their blessing for writer/editor Roy Thomas’ pet team to completely own the Detroit League. Maybe they wanted to show their team’s human fallibility, but in truth this just proved their detractors right, that the characters they were writing were not what their fans wanted in a Justice League. This character mass assassination was abetted by new penciller Todd McFarlane, whose developing style made for characters that looked like they were inflated and storytelling made difficult by an overemphasis on design elements. J’Onn J’Onzz caught a nasty case of Spawn-Cape as well, looking like the drape over the sides of a parade float.

J’Onn J’Onzz’s Nicknames of the Issue: “J.J.” – Elongated Man.
“Greenie.” – Silver Scarab.
“Green Man.” – Jade & Fury.
“Alien.” – Commander Steel and Mekanique.

Most Embarrassing Vibe Quote of the Issue: “You’ll be sorry for that, amigo! Very sorry!”

Crisis on Infinite Earths: Beyond the Silent Night (1985)

The real J'Onn J'Onzz, in the original continuity, finally showed up in Crisis #5, as part of a massive two-page crowd scene aboard The Monitor's satellite. A couple of pages later, Jemm: Son of Saturn was shown standing directly behind J'Onn, so this can be considered their first meeting. After a battle with the Red Tornado, J'Onzz swore, "This universe is imperilled.The new Justice League joins the battle.”

The Crisis was really hard on satellites. In #6, J'Onn held up part of The Monitor's damaged base, while offering help to the Outsider Katana and the angelic Azrael. Unfortunately, the Monitor's satellite was destroyed despite Manhunter's effort, so J'Onn joined the pair (plus the Golden Age Flash and the Legionnaire Blok in escaping to a parallel Earth. They arrived on Earth-4, the world of the classic Charlton Comics heroes. Blue Beetle, disbelieving the Monitor's story about the destruction of parallel Earths, led Captain Atom, Peacemaker, Nightshade, Judomaster, Thunderbolt, and The Question in an attack on J'Onn's team. "I'll question the how of it after I dispose of this 'Captain Atom'," J'Onn said, while blasting the hero with powerful Martian Vision. Blok then joined Manhunter in capturing the Beetle's Bug. Eventually, the Earth-4 heroes' terrified assault was revealed to be the Psycho Pirate's doing.

In #7 (Oct.'85) a group of heavyweights were chosen to enter the Anti-Matter Universe. The group included the Martian Manhunter, the Supermen of Earths 1 & 2, Wonder Woman, Firestorm, Supergirl, Wildfire, Jade, Captain Marvel, The Ray, Lady Quark, Mon-El, Pariah, Dr. Light, Captain Atom and Green Lantern Alan Scott. It was imperative that they directly challenge the Anti-Monitor, who had been destroying whole universes, then absorbing the power released by the destruction. Manhunter and Marvel stood together against giant stone guards, until Supergirl's making the ultimate heroic sacrifice to severely handicap the Anti-Monitor brought the battle to a halt. The heroes returned home, believing the threat had been ended along with the life of Kara Zor-El.

Ambush Bug Stocking Stuffer #1 (1986)

Keith Giffen's madman creation Ambush Bug, after a sort of "Red Skies" moment involving Dead Hukkas (don't ask,) needed help finding his stuffed sidekick (I mean it,) who had become a cannibal doll eater (just let it roll over you, already.) It seems the Crisis on Infinite Earths body count had gotten so high poor Jonni DC, Continuity Cop was backed up into the new year. While digging up the fallen's graves to confirm death, Cheeks the Toy Wonder had become a sort of zombie through contact with an irradiated bulldozer from Three Mile Island. Panicked, daddy Ambush Bug began calling all the super-teams he knew, including the Titans, the Legion, the Outsiders, and a certain Detroit based breakdancing outfit...

Most Embarrassing Vibe Quote of the Issue: "Jes? Jes, man. Thees eez the Justice League of America. No, he is not here. No, he is not here, either. No, she is not here. Hello? Hello?"

Don't feel bad, Paco. He hung up on Metamorpho as well. Wait, do feel bad.

JLA: Incarnations #5 (11/2001)

Retroactive continuity struck again, this time when the Detroit era League was revisited by John Ostrander and Val Semeiks. In this first Post-Crisis look at the team, the hypocrisy of Aquaman’s quitting a neophyte League he had himself forced into existence was highlighted by Zatanna. “I resign effective immediately. J’Onn, you should be chairman. You have the most seniority. Good luck.” Both as a good friend and “big picture” type, J’Onzz defended the position. “It’s probably for the best. He was in denial of his grief over the death of his child. It drove off his wife. Now, he’s facing up to what matters most to him. It’s a good sign.” In light of circumstances, Elongated Man (the only other member present) questioned whether there was a viable Justice League left, between the immaturity of its new membership and (as Zatanna pointed out) the recent proliferation of super-teams. Manhunter soundly rejected the notion. “Of course there is [a need for a Justice League]. I respect all the groups you’ve mentioned but none of them does what the League does. The League leads. When there is a crisis, the other heroes--and the world--look to us first to deal with it, to rally others. We set the example.”

Meanwhile, the newer Leaguers were arguing over an article in publisher Tully Reed’s popular super-human magazine, “Meta,” which lambasted the team. Steel quipped to Paco/Vibe, “How can they disrespect you, Taco, when they have no respect for you?” Manhunter condemned, “That was a slur, Steel. Don’t use it again.” Steel went on to question J’Onzz’s appointment as leader. “Your headquarters belongs to my grandfather.” J’Onzz retorted , “We leave and this place is just a large fallout shelter. We take a room and it becomes the headquarters of the Justice League of America. You are in the League. You are not the League itself.” Zatanna whispered to Ralph, “This isn’t the League! This isn’t even a team yet!” Elongated Man consoled, “Ah, J’Onn will whip ‘em into shape. We’ll be okay so long as we don’t go up against anything major!”

The Crisis On Infinite Earths struck, although there was no such thing as Infinite Earths in the Post-Crisis DCU. Ostrander’s explanation sounded more like Valiant’s “Unity” crossover than the seminal comic book event. As explained by suddenly scientific-minded Gypsy, “Our universe was under attack by the Anti-Matter universe of Qward, led by the Anti-Monitor. He seeks to destroy the vibrational walls between present and future. Some alternate futures have already been destroyed. By reducing everything to a single point in time, the Anti-Monitor then plans to blast it with an antimatter cannon, making his universe the only one. His opponent was The Monitor, who created...machines, like temporal tuning forks, to keep time aligned...” The new League members did an admirable job of defending the “forks” against Shadow Wraiths and defeating Fire-Eye unchaperoned. (Fire-Eye, for the many who wouldn’t recall, was the intelligent meta-dinosaur who had previously been encountered by founding Leaguers, but via temporal anomaly, was facing a JLA team for his first time here.) Vibe asserted, “Man, that’s sweet. I wish J’Onn was here to see what we done.” He was. “The crisis is far from over. There is still much to do...but I want you to know that I am proud of you all today...and I am honored to stand with you.”

Steel: Contrary and borderline racist this outing, but he did topple a dinosaur and watch over Vibe.

Zatanna: Virtually nothing. A remarkable duplication of her characterization from the period depicted.

Elongated Man: Fretted over Sue and questioned the usefulness of the Detroit League.

Vixen: Teamed-up with Hawkman to blind Fire-Eye. Effectively stood up to Batman. Took styling tips from Patti LaBelle.

Gypsy: So much it will require separate notation in her biography. Seriously. Stop laughing.

Vibe: Made to look stupid and irresponsible when he tuned out Harbinger’s constant pseudo-scientific droning during Crisis, as if the readership didn’t do the same exact thing. Tried to run game on Kole. Used vibrational powers as directed by Gypsy to repair damages to time.

Martian Manhunter: Separated from his team while trying to salvage the Monitor’s satellite. More on that later.

Most Embarrassing Vibe Quote of the Issue: “This is muy weird, J’Onzz! I don’t do well with weird.”

JLA Classified #25 (9/06)

Vixen: Ran recon in the caves, ‘cuz she’s stealthy. Revealed she hated bears, but used their power and tried to save one that plunged to its death. “We’re still family!” Punched and kicked various bad people.

Gypsy: Powned everyone. Retroactively revealed to be some sort of minor vagabond goddess with a slew of powers and secret knowledge previously unknown to readers. Psychically guided all the Leaguers to where they needed to be to be while making them think they were just following intuition. Personally defeated Amos Fortune with a hook to the guy so severe it lifted him off the ground. Precognitive to boot. I can and likely will devote whole blogs to the impact this one issue would have on her history, if it were actually canonical. For instance, she’s way powerful enough to wander the streets of Detroit barefoot now, so that finally makes sense. Why didn’t I figure it out before?!? It was right in front of us the whole time!

Vibe: When not placed on the stealth squad, repeatedly protested “I’m very sneaky!” Fended off a fake lion. Zapped a Royal Flush Gangster. Thought of Gypsy, “Man, that chica digs me!” Instead, had his destiny secretly read. “Vibe--dead, in the future! The vision never changes!”

Steel: “And Steel, too!” D’oh! Beat up one old man, and contributed to the fatal coronary of another.

Martian Manhunter: “I’ll be fine, now that we’re away from the fire. To a Martian, fire’s like throwing an off switch. You’re completely helpless. Failed to deduce that Gypsy mentally manipulated him into position, unsure if she’d verbally called out to him, despite her protestation. Fought a faux she-demon. Outsmarted the bad lack powers directed against him. “I’m just walking-- putting one foot in front of the other. Luck has nothing to do with it.” Capitalized on the psychic feedback which struck the Royal Flush Gang after one of their members died. Hit a woman. “Something’s going on with Gypsy. But I still can’t read it.

Aquaman: Survived the fire with blood smeared on his person, but still collapsed from dehydration. Revived by a freak shower. Busts into the cave hideout just after the case was wrapped, shouting, “Thank Neptune! ...I would have been here sooner but I walked into the one thing I can’t handle--fire--” Manhunter replied, “Join the club.”

Dale Gunn: ...

The Creators: Steve Englehart digs on the Wiccan-Pagan-Devil-Worship-Jungle-Music, and his resume reflects it, so he clearly enjoyed writing Gypsy WAY beyond hr previously established perimeters as a Madonna/Cyndi Lauper wannabe with illusion powers. Tom Derenick also enjoyed drawing Gypsy’s physical development WAY beyond her years at this point in her history. Goddess or no, fifteen year olds shouldn’t look like that, nor astral project all nekkid like. At no point do either of them take Vibe remotely seriously, as illustrated by the turning of the severe downer reveal at the end of this fairly brutal arc into a jab at his complete cluelessness.

Aquaman, Vibe and Gypsy on the only cover to actually look like Mike Zeck drew it, though Jerry Ordway's inks still assimilate Gypsy.

Most Embarrassing Vibe Quote of the Issue: “What, man! Whatchu talkin’ about?”

JLA Classified #24 (8/06)

Vixen: Absolutely took charge, using her powers to sense changes in the fire’s path and repeatedly guide her teammates away from immolation. She’s so impressive she rated a two-page origin recap and...

Steel: Admired Vixen. Carried J’Onn’s limp body all over the blazin’ forest.

Gypsy: Ran enough that she should start thinking really hard about investing in some kind of footwear. Flip-flops? Clogs? Something?

Vibe: Still doesn’t get what the big deal with the Taco Bell chihuahua was. Partly because he was dead by then. Also admired Gypsy, if by admire you mean wanted to sex up.

Martian Manhunter: Made Professor Xavier look like a physical dynamo by comparison. “You’re the only member I don’t worry about, Vixen. My body’s gone inert, but my mind hasn’t. I still hear your secret thoughts. For all of you to survive the JLA, I have to train you—and to train you, I have to know you, better than you know yourselves. I have no doubts about you, Mari. You’ve applied yourself to your gift. If there’s a way to succeed, you’ll find it. But Steel has become almost artificial, inside his artificial body -- he deadens the pain of his life -- Vibe thinks life is a wide-screen movie. He’s careless, cocky... and Gypsy -- I can’t get a handle on yet. She thinks in her Gypsy language -- “

Dale Gunn: Clearly not even piloting the L.O.S.T, because...

Aquaman: Piloted a L.O.S.T. over the inferno, then dove off into a nearby stream. “This is the glory of the Justice League—that a man with only water powers flies through the air to a fire! The team makes all of us more than we are alone! And that’s why I wanted to be its leader! I could have settled for King of the Sea, three-fourths of the planet—but leader of the Justice League means more!” Later, Arthur commanded a local trout to bob its head out of the water and discuss the sweep of the blaze. I swear, Jack Miller had nothing to do with this. Aquaman made his way to the team’s abandoned campsite. “Damn J’Onn for breaking all contact!” Feeling like stir fry, Aquaman dumped a pot of leftover--and quite hot-- water over his head. No, Dave Wood didn’t have a hand in it, either, regardless of Manhunter’s utter impotence to fire, lame theme villains, and the left-of-center circumstances. Trapped and parched, Aquaman found the burial mound of the Royal Flush members, noting blood has almost the same composition as sea water and smearing himself in it.

The Creators: See, no clear Silver Age analogue for that, nor even Steve Englehart’s old Bronze Age scripts. Meanwhile, perhaps pained as I was by Jerry Ordway’s over-embellishing on the covers, Tom Derenick channelled his inner Zeck to look more like the real thing than Mike himself did. On Aquaman, it took especially well.

Most Embarrassing Vibe Quote of the Issue: “You don’ haveta be so elusive wit’ us, chica!”